so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
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