she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
