Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize
