Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
