can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
