fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
