I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize