dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
