You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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