Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
