A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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