i was born a porn star she said
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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