I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
