I wish I could punch you in the face.
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
