i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
the liver wants what the liver wants
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
