My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
