Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
