I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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