The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
