she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
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