He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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