Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
