I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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