I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
