my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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