He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize