my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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