I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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