my mouth tastes like poor choices
my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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