your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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