How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
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