At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
