I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
