my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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