Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
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