forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Just took adderall with about half a bottle of red wine...i have stopped trying for this last exam
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
