my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
