Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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