You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
