I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
