I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
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