found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
