Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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