i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Randomize
