my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
