Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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