I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Do vagina's smell?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
