Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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