If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
