im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
did i walk over a car last night?
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Randomize
