So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
