At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Randomize
