Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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