so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
