I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
