I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
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