For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
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