Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
