hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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